Ah, yes! Christmas time is here! It’s that wonderful time of the year where we bid farewell to yet another abysmal year by feeding into the holiday frenzy!
Bid good will to your fellow man, except when that son of a bitch is trying to steal the last parking spot! Spend all of your money on presents for family members that you only see twice a year! Or better yet, sulk in the loneliness of not having anyone to buy presents for! Sit back and watch a terrible Christmas special on TV, or better yet, turn on the news and watch the Right Wing bitch about the supposed “War on Christmas!” And yes…you are a terrible person for not giving your last dollar to the bell ringer at your local Walmart. Aren’t the holidays fun!?
You can call me a Grinch, but lets face it. Christmas just isn’t for everyone. Yeah, I get it….Holiday cheer, jingle jangle, god bless us everyone, ho ho ho and all that jazz. That’s nice, but some of us are just…I dunno, over the whole “Christmas” thing.
Well, rejoice fellow Grinches! Send Saint Nick a big old “Scrooge You!” I’ve compiled a Playlist of a few “alternative” Christmas carols to help you cope with this most over bearing time of the year!
Merry Fucking Christmas, Bitches!
Dropkick Murphy’s – The Season is Upon Us
There’s nothing like being with your family on Christmas, right? Judgmental parents, gossiping aunts, annoying siblings, drunk uncles and overbearing grandparents! What could be better!? How about some Celtic punk to put the agony of seeing your dysfunctional family into a song? This cheerful melody goes down perfect with a bottle of whisky. Here’s a fun holiday game! Listen to the song, and do a shot each time you can relate the lyrics to your own family! The Dropkicks say it best; “With family like this I would have to confess, I’d be better off lonely, distraught and depressed!”
The Killers – Don’t Shoot Me Santa
We all know that Santa makes a list and checks it twice. We all know that the good little boys and girls are rewarded with toys and presents! But…what if the naughty children got more than just coal? In the Killer’s Christmas hit, Santa is portrayed as a homicidal killing machine that hunts down naughty children, and shoots them in the face. In this lovely duet with the jolly fatass himself, the band goes on the run to save their own asses, singing “Don’t shoot me, Santa” all the way! Its a hilariously violent re-visioning of Santa, with Brandon Flower’s signature drawl, and the band’s upbeat prog-rock style. A must listen for the inner Ginch in us all!
The Waitresses – Christmas Wrapping
As far as Christmas carols go, this one is the quintessential “Anti-Christmas” song. Up beat, jaunty, and brutally honest. Here, the 80’s band sings about how hectic the holidays can really be, finally coming to the decision to just flat out skip Christmas all together! Brilliant, I say! Ready, everyone!? 1…2… “Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, But I think I’ll miss this one this year!”
Kate Nash – I Hate You This Christmas
Nothing ruins Christmas quite like having your boyfriend go behind your back and sleep with your best friend. Breakups happen no matter what time of year it is, and they seem to sting twice as badly at Christmas. Kate Nash slurs, drones and screams her way through this energetic headbanger. It sure is a jaunty way to get out some aggression this season…even better when dedicated that certain special prick in your life.
Barenaked Ladies – Elf’s Lament
If you work retail, I’d like to send a sincere “I feel for you, bro.” I do not envy you for having to work overtime this season, trying to keep the store neat and orderly as it is mobbed by Christmas drones. It kind of makes you feel sympathy for the Elves, working hard all year long in Santa’s sweat shops. Anyone working for the season will relate to the Barenaked Ladies ode to the life of an overworked elf. Not only do they bring crooner Michael Buble on board, but the lyrics are downright hilarious. In the end, the Elves tell Santa to shove it, and isn’t that what the season is really about?
Blink 182 – I Won’t Be Home For Christmas
I’m not usually a fan of this band, but this punk rock Christmas tune simply speaks to my soul. The message is simple and potent; Christmas is annoying as hell. And sometimes, when people are annoyed…they snap, chase carolers with baseball bats, and spend Christmas in jail. Actually, that sounds kind of nice!
Cee Lo Green ft. Straight No Chaser – You’re A Mean One Mr. Grinch
Ah yes, the original ode to Christmas misery! How could we have an Anti-Christmas playlist without The Grinch’s theme song? This version, covered by Cee Lo Green with acapella accompaniment by Straight No Chaser, offers a refreshing, modern take on the classic tune. Cee Lo puts his own unique spin on the classic melody, while also implementing spoken word interludes, telling us the story of how the Grinch managed to accomplish everything I’ve ever dreamed of. And he did it all in one night!